INSIDE SOME OF US is a thin person struggling to get out, but he or she can be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."
A GUY WALKS into work, and both of his ears are bandaged.
The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
"Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
"Well, I had to call the Doctor!"
A GOLFER know for his bad temper walked into the pro shop and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.
The staff all watched to see what would happen after he use them for the first time, more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.
But the next time he came in, the golfer was all smiles.
"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said.
"In fact , I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could the last ones."
"I SEE there's a funderal in town today."
"Yeah."
"Who died?"
"I'm not sure, but I think it's the one in the coffin."
HOW MANY PSYCHIATRISTS does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb must have a genuine desire to change.
I WISH THE BUCK STOPPED HERE, AS I COULD USE A FEW!
DURING A BASEBALL GAME the coach asked one of his young player, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" They boy nodded.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The boy nodded.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded.
"Good. Now go over there and explain it to your father."
THE STALLED CAR sat dead still at the intersection as the lights went to red, to green, to yellow, to red, to green, to yellow, and back to red. Finally a police officer came up and said, "Pardon me, sir, but don't we have any color you like?"
AGE DOESN'T ALWAYS BRING WISDOM. SOMETIMES IT COMES ALONE.
DO YOU EVER WONDER?
* If money doesn't grow on trees, why to banks have branches?
* Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
* How is it that we put men on the moon before we figure out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
* Why is it that people say they slept "like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours or so?
* Why do people pay to go up in tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
* Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
A RECENT RETIREE was given a set of golf clubs by his former co-workers. He had never golfed. Thinking he'd give it a chance, he asked the local pro for lessons and explained that he knew nothing whatsoever about the game.
The pro showed him the proper stance and swing, and then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" he asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally uttered.
"Oh great. Now you tell me!"
ONE MORNING, members of a local highway department crew reached their job site and realized they'd forgotten their shovels.
The crew's foreman radioed the office and told his supervisor the situation.
"Don't worry," the supervisor radioed back. "We'll send some shovels. Just lean on each other until they arrive."
"I'VE GOT TO HAVE A RAISE," an employee said to his boss. "Three other companies are after me." "Is that so?" the boss asked. "What companies?" "The electric company, the telephone company and the credit card company."
WHEN A MAN WENT to get his driver's license renewed at the Department of Motor Vehicles, the building was packed. The line inched along for an hour until he finally got his photo taken.
The man commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking rather grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked over at the photo. "It's OK," he reassured the man. "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway!"
IN THE FIRST YEAR of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.